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it's up to me now to turn on the bright lights   
11:45pm 13/08/2005
 
mood: drained
Things have just been snowballing lately. I really don't know what to do. I'm fucking with my life, and I really don't see why I deserve to be around anymore. Not too long ago, I wasn't this way, but I'm honestly scared of my own thoughts right now. I'm really sorry I'm saying anything about this. I just don't know. All these signals and indicators I see around me just say that I shouldn't be here, I'm going absolutely nowhere, and I can see it objectively, I swear to God.
 
     

(6 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
too smart to be unadulterated .. (pun, eh? eh?)   
12:18am 11/08/2005
 
mood: intimidated
This is the part of a relationship that always frustrates me - the part where I feel as if I have to believe what they say and disregard what they do. From this I contend with a couple of rationalizations - I do tend to pick the types that are largely confused as to the way they want to be perceived/as opposed to what they actually are - and, I indeed don't always act as I say, and visa versa.

I'm really not sure if I want someone like myself, or unlike - in this current guy, his future looks incredibly different from my own...
(oh my God, I really hate how I do all this thinking so early on, but come to think of it, I did promise myself to keep my head in the game so I wouldn't lose all sense of self within 4 months as happened in my last serious relationship)
..yet I must keep in mind that, though I'll be in college and he won't, this next year poses no commuting trouble since I'll be going to college in his town. But education, embracing experiences, and optimism (as well as a touch of financial security) are important to me - and I see in him this separation from those around him. Yes, he has his friends, and they mean the world to him, he simply has a critical view towards the rest of mankind.

It's funny how people react differently to negative life experiences. I suppose I've done my best to take from my misfourtunes an element of "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and taking the opportunity to see the honest empathy many people have. It's reassuring. However, he expresses an inherent dislike for most people. And just cut and dry statements of hatred for others, to me, is frustrating and sounds like a cop out. But, I really can't judge, since I haven't lived his entire life, merely tasted what growing up was like for him. And, there's some 'mistakes' he simply won't talk about. Which, is interesting to me; why hold on to the emotional baggage if it's something plaguing you so? am I not trustworthy? what is the nature of his deepest secrets, and what does this indicate about his moral base? I'm intrigued, really.

He talks a lot about wanting to find 'real' people, and having them in his life. This rings of my last boyfriend.. a lot. Based upon the fact that the way I speak with different groups of people changes, my ex argued that I'm a people pleaser, that I need to be true to myself, he preached some 'people are bullshit' propaganda, he felt as if I was not trustworthy, a liar, duplicitous and lacking a serious nature. A real ego-booster, him. But his outlook is understandable, just not shared or condoned by myself. It's just a bunch of bridge burning and isolation!

I have this crazy need to have meaning behind every single word I utter, and though I realize it's impossible to achieve this, I sure try. I hate saying things like "oh, that's cool" - token answers and filler dialogue. Then there's the typical goals and dreams, 'I want to help people,' 'I want to play music,' 'I want to travel,' (etc) and though I must provide the concession that these are all great things to do with one's life, sometimes I wonder if it's an act. I don't know what kind of act, surely whatever act it is they're playing to get me to believe in who they want to be. Another concession is, yeah, I want to help people, too. In my career/future. So that makes me part of it. It seems as if my mistrust of other's caring facilities (and projection of my own personal struggles) is at the heart of my ramble.

A lot of the times I find strangers much easier to talk to (ie: posting more depth in my quasi-strangers, mostly unread LJ as opposed to my 'real life friends' LJ). Having people get to know me, despite how open I am about some select controversial matters, is frightening. Yeah, sometimes I see reasons why people could love me, or be charmed by me - but the second they go past that charm, it's make or break. Usually it's break. Why? Is there not really a me that they can find?

Well in other news, I've figured out what I want to do for my birthday. I've been wanting to go to the State Fair (as is tradition) except having my friends meet up with me there. Now I have a cell phone, so tis possible! We can just TXT where we are on the grounds and meet. My diehard/scheduled off work friends will probably just carpool with me and get there in the morning. Others may come at their leisure - which is cool by me, it's like a day long surprise party.

I hope a couple things. I hope someone makes a deal out of my turning 18. I hope someone tells me that now I'm an adult, and takes the time to give me a word of advice. I hope that the boy will express, on his own, a desire to be with me on my birthday. Why wouldn't he? I don't know. The last one didn't, he cancelled plans, made a promise, then never came through. I hope that, during at least one point during the day, someone will suggest something crazy and fun just because they want the day to be awesome. I have a lot of hopes, more than this here, and you may ask, what good are hopes for, they might not happen at all. And I say, hey, at least it's fun to think some folks might give a rip. I don't want to be all depressed in these next couple weeks I refer to as - the prequel to 18.

Tomorrow, boy and I go to the beach! It was my idea. I hate the phone. So I suggested it short, and sweet. I wonder if he still believes all he said to me a couple weeks ago. I wonder why he's even with me. I'd really like to take up the rest of my film on my traditional camera, and maybe even get a few shots of him. Hopefully he'll let me. I need more pictures of the things I'm fond of.

Dude. I must need like, a freakin LOT of assurance. Tragic!
 
     

(in my head)

 
   
12:35am 28/06/2005
 
mood: guilty
Ugh, I just can't stand how pointless my life is. What good do I do for others? How much faith in mankind can I restore? Pfft. So my friend that's leaving for California tomorrow - I rarely hang out with him despite how much he calls. Why? Because we don't click. He's nice, he's gentlemanly, but his life goals/humor/idea of what's fun is just different than my own. The average girl would likely hang with him anyway, but I swear I'd rather vomit. This is based on the fact that's what I actually do instead. So I was supposed to hang out with him Sunday evening, today, this evening.. I still haven't called. Why doesn't he hate me? I hate me, it's not that hard.
And my other friend.. he calls me too. All the time, and so often I blow him off. Like today. I don't do anything horrendous, such as using him then not talking to him, but I guess the up down up down of my hangout mood must be disconcerting. I hate not practicing what I preach. I hate being dishonest all the while trying as hard as I can to find the truth in things. I hate not knowing what I'm saying, or how I'm doing.. except for only on the rare occassion, and those are increasingly so fleeting.
I did, indeed, get called up by my best girl - friend Phoenix, and she just comes over. She knows about my 'problem,' and she's been really cool about it - but she does force me to go to the city nearby with her to just call up some cool friends and make some cool, cool plans.. we go to my friends Aaron and Josh's apartment, they have an errand to run, but will be back.. the cute third roomate is talking to some other girl.. Phoenix is slightly high, and I'm just wondering what the shit am I supposed to be doing. If I fucking fell off the face of the planet, said planet would know none of the difference - surely I'm supposed to be somewhere, loving someone, holding some significance somehow, instead of finding person after person I'm too afraid to make a connection with. Don't date me, don't talk to me, don't ask my name or my favorite color. I swear I don't have one.
I no longer have to go to school every day, put on a face, and by the end of the day - wear the face a little more confidently, seeing as I seemed to have had some positive impact upon at least one person throughout the day. It's just me, it's just my decisions - and now I see neither of those hold any merit.
I think my last crush said it best when he described me to a friend as a 'party favor.'
I'm not done with this night, but I think it's done with me...
 
     

(2 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
   
05:48pm 01/12/2004
 
mood: amused
      
driving stick is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
 
     

(3 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
   
03:26am 14/11/2004
 
mood: stressed
Things I Should be Doing:

-Consult uncle/auto mechanic in regards to transmission leak (just get it FIXED!)
-Apply for scholarships (a given)
-Apply to colleges (talk to guidance counselor)
-Study for Dec 4th SAT*
-Study for Dec 6th ACT (!)*
-Register for February ACT*
-Read and/or return overdue library books
-Take care of choir fees
-2 AP Euro Current Events
-Turn in cans to Wally's
-Turn in cans to Safeway
-Finish employee procedures test*
-Start checking account at Bank of America
-Check into gym memberships
-Check into Verizon pre-paid plan
-Nightly stretching and pilates
-Purchase Weakerthans ticket (Dec 10th)
-MewithoutYou ticket?
-Check hiring status of: Dutch Bros, Safeway, Brooks&Terry's, Abby's, Blockbuster, Amer. Family Video
-Finish any/all missing assignments, extra credit
-Make up The Piano Lesson video!
-Perform t-shirt surgery and closet reorganization
-Shop for sweet deals online
-Sell cookie dough at all possible times
-Items needed currently; shave gel, face lotion, face wash w/ scrubbies
-Sign up for Humane Society volunteering
-Clean: bathroom, kitchen, living room, van
-Make more lists, add to this list

*shakes finger at self threateningly*
 
     

(2 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
   
02:37pm 06/11/2004
 
mood: numb
CAROLYN
(tearful)
No, I'm glad because you're old enough now
to learn the most important lesson in life:
you cannot count on anyone except yourself.
(sighs)
You cannot count on anyone except yourself.
It's sad, but true, and the sooner you learn it,
the better.
 
     

(2 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
...alright, so they're on to me   
07:30pm 16/08/2004
 
mood: stressed
Okay, so for the purpose of not boring the world, this entry is about my computer's sad state, and basically I hope SOMEONE can give me some advice here as to what to buy, or where to go to download protection material, what passwords I should change, etc. Yes? So here goes...

OMG. Okay, so since my computer's free trial of McAfee Anti Virus online virus scan and computer protector wore off, I never really updated anything, or downloaded any blockers or whatever. Despite how my mom freaked out of "all these new viruses they were talkin' bout on the tv!" But I still continued to download music and videos off Kazaa.

Anyway, as of late I downloaded this free scanner (though not removal program.. had to pay for that..) and found out my computer was infected with a few viruses and trojans. I didn't know what to do about it.. but then as of this week, my compy is really freaking out. It would just show my desktop sometimes when I turn it on, no taskbar or icons, so I'd flip the switch to make it work. It's had popups taking up the entire screen saying "If this takes up the entire screen, you may have Spyware" then it lists a bunch of "has your compy been acting odd lately, have you been getting more pop ups, have you been getting weird emails.. etc" "..then you may have spyware" and of course, all of these things are true. Before my notepad program has popped up saying that "If this notepad program popped up without your permission Spyware can control your computer, and may have access to your passwords etc." I also received an email under a friends name, only to find it was something she'd never send me, and didn't. So it's in my email.

I am worried for this because -
I have files on my computer I don't want on the internet
I don't want anyone having access to my memberships places through knowing my passwords
I not too long ago had to use my mom's credit card # to buy my food handlers card, and I don't want her getting messed with on that
I want my computer to be able to work faster and less freak outish
I want to be able to burn cd's again from my ripped files without it "having an error occur"
This is the computer my dad got for me, and we don't have the resources to buy another - and I need a computer for school, without question
I want to be able to use my printer and scanner again

Someone help me :( I may be a nerd, but not enough of a knowledgeable computer nerd to know my resources to fix these problems.
 
     

(3 techno dance partays | in my head)

 
Eeek! I'm naked and I don't know what's going on!   
10:23pm 31/07/2004
 
mood: dorky
I think, I shall have to say, this journal is friends-only.

ACK I'M SUCH A SNOB!

But uh, note me and I'll add you. w00t!
 
     

(8 techno dance partays | in my head)